Thursday, March 21, 2013

March Blog Challenge Day 21

March Blog Challenge
Day 21: what is your biggest fear?
March 21, 2013
When I was pregnant with my son, my biggest fear was that he would be born handicapped.  Working with special needs children, this was something I had to face every day during my pregnancy. It was something that plagued my mind. I even talked to my (now ex) husband and made him promise that if our child was born with special needs that he wouldn't show any prejudice. There was no real reason why I should have been so concerned. My doctor appointments and tests all came back normal. It wasn't until my water broke two months early that we started to worry of the reality that something might be wrong.
Reading all the books while pregnant, another fear that I had was something would go wrong with the delivery as well. This added to my fears when my water broke early. We rushed to the local hospital only to be told that I would have to be transported to another hospital that could deal with the degree of early delivery. At first we were given the choice of a couple different hospitals. However, come to find out, we didn't have the choice and was shipped off to Johns Hopkins at Bayview. I was put on bed rest in the hospital. A week later I had to be induced (for labor) because I was running a low grade temperature. Over 36 hours later, when both my son and I were in distress, we were rushed for an emergency cesarean.  
To this day I still have nightmares about the delivery. Neither epidural was effective, someone told me that I would feel a slight burn (as they cut me open). The pain was intense, not only did I feel like my lower abdomen was on fire, but there was pressure. It’s hard for me to describe the pain. From screaming I had busted my vessels around my eyes. My mom said it looked like someone had punched me in both eyes. I remember screaming for Jesus. The anesthesiologist had given me something after my son was taken out of me that sent me to La-La Land. It upset me that the doctors bragged that they were able to get my son out in such-a-such time, to me it felt like much more!
Having watched all the Baby Story shows on TV, I was excited about the delivery and getting to hold my newborn. However, this didn’t happen. My son was taken away because he needed further assistance. He was born with a TEF (tracheal-esophageal fistula). I only got to visit with him for a little bit’ before he was transported via medevac to Johns Hopkins Hospital. It was hard being away from him, I couldn’t leave the hospital I was at until I was discharged. I couldn’t be discharged right away because I still had a low grade fever. They did different tests throughout the following day or two and then decided to discharge me (even though I still had a low grade temperature.) I was anxious to get to my son, so I didn’t think twice.
My son was in the NICU (neo intensive care unit) at Johns Hopkins Hospital, he had all these different tubes. It was very hard to see and difficult to hold him. My insecurities fueled my fear that the nurses thought less of me for not being able to be there with him. However, I pushed this aside and just wanted to hold Kaleb (my son). I say “You Are My Sunshine” to him for the first time along with a lot of tears. This would be the last time I would get to hold Kaleb for the next few months.
I had been very sick, I couldn’t move off the couch, and had excess fluids coming out of my c-section site. I called my sister who is a nurse and she called my gynecologist and made an emergency appointment for the next day. When we arrived and the doctor attempted to look at my site, it busted open and fluid went everywhere. It was something straight out of a horror movie. He instructed my sister to take me immediately to the hospital that performed the c-section. Come to find out, I had Necrotizing Fasciitis (the flesh-eating bacteria). Because of this I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I have a horrendous scar that leaves me with daily chronic pain (severe nerve damage and scar tissue). To say that all of my fears that I encompassed during my pregnancy came true, is an understatement. I talk more about this experience in another blog that I write in entitled Faith Warrior, check it out.
Until next time or the next… dream