Tuesday, March 12, 2013

March Blog Challenge Day 12

March Blog Challenge
Day 12: what do you miss?
March 12, 2013
 Top Ten Things I Miss
10.) VHS Tapes – Most of you are probably saying “what?” like the minions from Despicable Me (2010). Through my childhood and most of my young adulthood, I collected Disney Animated movies. I still have them, but my VCR doesn’t work anymore so I can no longer have viewing marathons. This is sad for me because I love so many of the movies. I have them, I just can’t watch them.
9.) Cheap Gas – Woe is the yester year when you could clasp eyes with the gas station signs that advertised gas for 99 cents a gallon (and people were complaining of the price hike then). Dramatically increased, gas prices now are near 4 dollars a gallon. This, to me, is a crime.
8.) My Car – In 2003 I had to sell my (paid off) 99’ Chevy Cavalier. It was a beautiful Cheyenne color (red) four door and had a spoiler. This car represented my freedom and independence.  Of course I willingly made this sacrifice for my son (so that we could get a van to meet his wheelchair needs). It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it.
7.) Carefree Childhood – Being able to sleep in, playing outside, not having to do chores; these are the things that I can miss, especially when I look around my house and see the laundry piled up, the sink full of dishes, and all the other chores left for mom to do.
6.) When I was 23 – When I was around this age, I was regularly going to the gym, I was eating right, and I finally thought I was pretty. I come from a family that likes to eat, we love food, and genetics added to our ‘fluff’. It wasn’t until I was a young adult that I realized, something had to change. My health seemed to be effected, my breathing was shortening, and I wanted to feel good about myself. I joined the gym my friend went to and she helped motivate me to go. When I started to lose the weight, I wanted to lose more and would continue to modify my regiments and choices in order to continue losing weight.
5.) Extended Family – When we were younger, I had a closer relationship with my cousins (on my mom’s side of the family). I cherish the memories that I have with them. Unfortunately, we have grown apart and only see each other during the holidays (if the planets align correctly). We have families and responsibilities that make it difficult to get together. Bottom line, it is a choice that is made, for whatever reason.
4.) My Bellybutton – weird, right? After my cesarean and my complications with Necrotizing Fasciitis, I lost my bellybutton. When I was in the hospital, my mother and I even wrote a song “Ode’ To My Bellybutton.” I lost more than just my bellybutton; I lost many abdominal muscles to the disease.  So, for me, proudly admire your bellybutton. My friend Chris did make me feel better about it, saying that I must be an angle, because they don’t have bellybutton’s either.
3.) Pain Free – Because of what I have been through, I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder, daily chronic pain from severe nerve damage and scar tissue. It has been 10 years dealing with pain and it gets to be too much at times and was one contributor to my hospitalization in November of last year. I had a pain management doctor and seem to be on a right combination. Then I was terminated and lost my insurance. So, right now – it definitely is a daily challenge, scratch that it is a minute by minute struggle. When you are in intense pain, you know, it takes so much from you.
2.) My Mommom – I was blessed growing up, not having to deal with death. I am sure this contributes to the fact that I do not fear death {and my faith}. When my Mommom passed away a few years ago, it was very hard. When I last saw her in the hospital, I caressed my fingers through her hair and face, whispering to her (through choked emotion) that I will see her soon. Studying the Bible, I did a devotional once that involved how our lives seem long, but in heaven time is not so relevant and it is like a blink of an eye (something along those lines.) I don’t think I explained that well – but, my Mommom understood. I think of her often, she is in my heart, so she is with me forever.
1.) This one is hard to explain, I miss my son – My son was born with CHARGE syndrome (www.chargesyndrome.org). He was also born nearly two months early and with some complications. He had cognitive abilities and loved to make you laugh. He couldn’t talk, but I was teaching him some basic sign’s so he could communicate. He was learning to walk using a walker; it was precious, he would take a step and then jump because he was so excited. Right before he turned 2 he became severely dehydrated (he has a J-tube and his nutrition is sensitive, it didn’t help that there was extreme nursing neglect either). Basically, he had a horrible reaction and lost over 70% of his brain capabilities. When we brought him back home from the hospital after that horrific and traumatizing time, he would now be diagnosed as epileptic and quadriplegic cerebral palsy. We brought home a different child, a vegetable, and a complete polar opposite from before.  There are times when he smiles and I am brought to tears because I feel the son I miss inside of my heart. He is precious and we are just trying to give him the best life possible, the best that we can. 
I use to get really upset because he is unable to give me a hug or say “I love you mommy.” Through therapy I learned that this was distorted thinking. He shows me that he does love me through different ways, such as smiling and making eye contact with me.
What is it that you miss most?

Until next time or the next… dream