March Blog Challenge Day 21

March Blog Challenge

Day 21: what is your biggest fear?

March 21, 2013

When I was pregnant with my son, my biggest fear was that he would be born handicapped.  Working with special needs children, this was something I had to face every day during my pregnancy. It was something that plagued my mind. I even talked to my (now ex) husband and made him promise that if our child was born with special needs that he wouldn't show any prejudice. There was no real reason why I should have been so concerned. My doctor appointments and tests all came back normal. It wasn't until my water broke two months early that we started to worry of the reality that something might be wrong.

Reading all the books while pregnant, another fear that I had was something would go wrong with the delivery as well. This added to my fears when my water broke early. We rushed to the local hospital only to be told that I would have to be transported to another hospital that could deal with the degree of early delivery. At first we were given the choice of a couple different hospitals. However, come to find out, we didn't have the choice and was shipped off to Johns Hopkins at Bayview. I was put on bed rest in the hospital. A week later I had to be induced (for labor) because I was running a low grade temperature. Over 36 hours later, when both my son and I were in distress, we were rushed for an emergency cesarean.  

To this day I still have nightmares about the delivery. Neither epidural was effective, someone told me that I would feel a slight burn (as they cut me open). The pain was intense, not only did I feel like my lower abdomen was on fire, but there was pressure. It’s hard for me to describe the pain. From screaming I had busted my vessels around my eyes. My mom said it looked like someone had punched me in both eyes. I remember screaming for Jesus. The anesthesiologist had given me something after my son was taken out of me that sent me to La-La Land. It upset me that the doctors bragged that they were able to get my son out in such-a-such time, to me it felt like much more!

Having watched all the Baby Story shows on TV, I was excited about the delivery and getting to hold my newborn. However, this didn’t happen. My son was taken away because he needed further assistance. He was born with a TEF (tracheal-esophageal fistula). I only got to visit with him for a little bit’ before he was transported via medevac to Johns Hopkins Hospital. It was hard being away from him, I couldn’t leave the hospital I was at until I was discharged. I couldn’t be discharged right away because I still had a low grade fever. They did different tests throughout the following day or two and then decided to discharge me (even though I still had a low grade temperature.) I was anxious to get to my son, so I didn’t think twice.

My son was in the NICU (neo intensive care unit) at Johns Hopkins Hospital, he had all these different tubes. It was very hard to see and difficult to hold him. My insecurities fueled my fear that the nurses thought less of me for not being able to be there with him. However, I pushed this aside and just wanted to hold Kaleb (my son). I say “You Are My Sunshine” to him for the first time along with a lot of tears. This would be the last time I would get to hold Kaleb for the next few months.

I had been very sick, I couldn’t move off the couch, and had excess fluids coming out of my c-section site. I called my sister who is a nurse and she called my gynecologist and made an emergency appointment for the next day. When we arrived and the doctor attempted to look at my site, it busted open and fluid went everywhere. It was something straight out of a horror movie. He instructed my sister to take me immediately to the hospital that performed the c-section. Come to find out, I had Necrotizing Fasciitis (the flesh-eating bacteria). Because of this I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I have a horrendous scar that leaves me with daily chronic pain (severe nerve damage and scar tissue). To say that all of my fears that I encompassed during my pregnancy came true, is an understatement. I talk more about this experience in another blog that I write in testimonyinlife.blogspot.com entitled Faith Warrior, check it out.

Until next time or the next… dream

K.E.Nowinsky

March Blog Challenge Day 12

March Blog Challenge

Day 12: what do you miss?

March 12, 2013

 Top Ten Things I Miss

10.) VHS Tapes – Most of you are probably saying “what?” like the minions from Despicable Me (2010). Through my childhood and most of my young adulthood, I collected Disney Animated movies. I still have them, but my VCR doesn’t work anymore so I can no longer have viewing marathons. This is sad for me because I love so many of the movies. I have them, I just can’t watch them.

9.) Cheap Gas – Woe is the yester year when you could clasp eyes with the gas station signs that advertised gas for 99 cents a gallon (and people were complaining of the price hike then). Dramatically increased, gas prices now are near 4 dollars a gallon. This, to me, is a crime.

8.) My Car – In 2003 I had to sell my (paid off) 99’ Chevy Cavalier. It was a beautiful Cheyenne color (red) four door and had a spoiler. This car represented my freedom and independence.  Of course I willingly made this sacrifice for my son (so that we could get a van to meet his wheelchair needs). It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss it.

7.) Carefree Childhood – Being able to sleep in, playing outside, not having to do chores; these are the things that I can miss, especially when I look around my house and see the laundry piled up, the sink full of dishes, and all the other chores left for mom to do.

6.) When I was 23 – When I was around this age, I was regularly going to the gym, I was eating right, and I finally thought I was pretty. I come from a family that likes to eat, we love food, and genetics added to our ‘fluff’. It wasn’t until I was a young adult that I realized, something had to change. My health seemed to be effected, my breathing was shortening, and I wanted to feel good about myself. I joined the gym my friend went to and she helped motivate me to go. When I started to lose the weight, I wanted to lose more and would continue to modify my regiments and choices in order to continue losing weight.

5.) Extended Family – When we were younger, I had a closer relationship with my cousins (on my mom’s side of the family). I cherish the memories that I have with them. Unfortunately, we have grown apart and only see each other during the holidays (if the planets align correctly). We have families and responsibilities that make it difficult to get together. Bottom line, it is a choice that is made, for whatever reason.

4.) My Bellybutton – weird, right? After my cesarean and my complications with Necrotizing Fasciitis, I lost my bellybutton. When I was in the hospital, my mother and I even wrote a song “Ode’ To My Bellybutton.” I lost more than just my bellybutton; I lost many abdominal muscles to the disease.  So, for me, proudly admire your bellybutton. My friend Chris did make me feel better about it, saying that I must be an angle, because they don’t have bellybutton’s either.

3.) Pain Free – Because of what I have been through, I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder, daily chronic pain from severe nerve damage and scar tissue. It has been 10 years dealing with pain and it gets to be too much at times and was one contributor to my hospitalization in November of last year. I had a pain management doctor and seem to be on a right combination. Then I was terminated and lost my insurance. So, right now – it definitely is a daily challenge, scratch that it is a minute by minute struggle. When you are in intense pain, you know, it takes so much from you.

2.) My Mommom – I was blessed growing up, not having to deal with death. I am sure this contributes to the fact that I do not fear death {and my faith}. When my Mommom passed away a few years ago, it was very hard. When I last saw her in the hospital, I caressed my fingers through her hair and face, whispering to her (through choked emotion) that I will see her soon. Studying the Bible, I did a devotional once that involved how our lives seem long, but in heaven time is not so relevant and it is like a blink of an eye (something along those lines.) I don’t think I explained that well – but, my Mommom understood. I think of her often, she is in my heart, so she is with me forever.

1.) This one is hard to explain, I miss my son – My son was born with CHARGE syndrome (www.chargesyndrome.org). He was also born nearly two months early and with some complications. He had cognitive abilities and loved to make you laugh. He couldn’t talk, but I was teaching him some basic sign’s so he could communicate. He was learning to walk using a walker; it was precious, he would take a step and then jump because he was so excited. Right before he turned 2 he became severely dehydrated (he has a J-tube and his nutrition is sensitive, it didn’t help that there was extreme nursing neglect either). Basically, he had a horrible reaction and lost over 70% of his brain capabilities. When we brought him back home from the hospital after that horrific and traumatizing time, he would now be diagnosed as epileptic and quadriplegic cerebral palsy. We brought home a different child, a vegetable, and a complete polar opposite from before.  There are times when he smiles and I am brought to tears because I feel the son I miss inside of my heart. He is precious and we are just trying to give him the best life possible, the best that we can. 

I use to get really upset because he is unable to give me a hug or say “I love you mommy.” Through therapy I learned that this was distorted thinking. He shows me that he does love me through different ways, such as smiling and making eye contact with me.

What is it that you miss most?

Until next time or the next… dream

K.E.Nowinsky

www.goingoffdreams.com