IWSG: Procrastination Station

It's actually something I've been known to do since I can remember. When I was taking my psych classes I learned that it was possibly because I felt that I performed better under pressure. However, I think more times than not, it's more likely that I can be lazy. I hate even mentioning the word lazy because it's a four letter word! But, in today's society don't you think we do earn some laziness? Everything is so hustle and bustle that we hardly take time for ourselves. As long as we don't get stuck in the lazy mode - right?

How I felt after finishing rough first draft...

Right now, when trying to come up with the words to form the post for the Insecure Writers Support Group, I tried to think of the right words to express where I am in my writing journey right now. At first I thought I just lacked motivation. I don't know if that pinpoints it enough, I have motivation, I want to write. Then my mind wondered a little bit more and I thought maybe it's fear. Fear, because I thought I would have done better with my first book. Fear, because I've made so many mistakes along the way and I don't want to flub up the second book. Fear might be getting a little closer, but it wasn't the write word to best describe what I've been experiencing. Then I thought, what about plateauing?

Waiting to hear back from beta readers...

A couple of months ago I finally finished the first rough draft of the manuscript for the second book in the Going off Dreams series. I loved it and directly sent it out to my beta readers. For the most part I think that they liked it, the harshest of my critics (yes, my mother) she had some good points that I need to implement when I go through for the hacking of the first edits. This is where I have stalled. My writing juices didn't cease though, I started writing another book (an offshoot of the series Arduinna: Guardians of the Forest). After writing a darker scene (more so than I was use to writing), I felt like I needed to take a step back and breath a little... and I haven't written since then or picked back up on editing the second book (For All in the Hope).

What I feel like doing instead of editing...

So, I figured all of this rolled up into a word would best be described as procrastination. I'm procrastinating because I"m not motivated to hack through a manuscript that I loved. I always seem to get a little lost too and I'm not the best with grammar, so I am constantly worrying about sentence formation and proper written grammar. I definitely want to pay before publishing and have the manuscript edited, I just have to save the money (not an easy task when I don't have a steady income). Then I was thinking about how much work and efforts went into the book cover (the second book cover for the first book). Originally, when I first published I went with a generic cover. So, it was advised to have the book edited and to have a different book cover for the relaunch. However, all the work seemed to be for nothing. Now the fear seats in saying - why bother?

My reaction to having to do edits...

However, there is a nagging voice within me saying that I've made a promise and that I need to see it through. So, this is the mini-driving force. But, my long bout with procrastination seems to be the barrier. I thought about trying Kickstarter or Indiegogo again to try to raise the funds. I wanted to get the groups opinions and suggestions.

What gets you motivating during editing?

How do you raise the funds for services?

March Blog Challenge Day 21

March Blog Challenge

Day 21: what is your biggest fear?

March 21, 2013

When I was pregnant with my son, my biggest fear was that he would be born handicapped.  Working with special needs children, this was something I had to face every day during my pregnancy. It was something that plagued my mind. I even talked to my (now ex) husband and made him promise that if our child was born with special needs that he wouldn't show any prejudice. There was no real reason why I should have been so concerned. My doctor appointments and tests all came back normal. It wasn't until my water broke two months early that we started to worry of the reality that something might be wrong.

Reading all the books while pregnant, another fear that I had was something would go wrong with the delivery as well. This added to my fears when my water broke early. We rushed to the local hospital only to be told that I would have to be transported to another hospital that could deal with the degree of early delivery. At first we were given the choice of a couple different hospitals. However, come to find out, we didn't have the choice and was shipped off to Johns Hopkins at Bayview. I was put on bed rest in the hospital. A week later I had to be induced (for labor) because I was running a low grade temperature. Over 36 hours later, when both my son and I were in distress, we were rushed for an emergency cesarean.  

To this day I still have nightmares about the delivery. Neither epidural was effective, someone told me that I would feel a slight burn (as they cut me open). The pain was intense, not only did I feel like my lower abdomen was on fire, but there was pressure. It’s hard for me to describe the pain. From screaming I had busted my vessels around my eyes. My mom said it looked like someone had punched me in both eyes. I remember screaming for Jesus. The anesthesiologist had given me something after my son was taken out of me that sent me to La-La Land. It upset me that the doctors bragged that they were able to get my son out in such-a-such time, to me it felt like much more!

Having watched all the Baby Story shows on TV, I was excited about the delivery and getting to hold my newborn. However, this didn’t happen. My son was taken away because he needed further assistance. He was born with a TEF (tracheal-esophageal fistula). I only got to visit with him for a little bit’ before he was transported via medevac to Johns Hopkins Hospital. It was hard being away from him, I couldn’t leave the hospital I was at until I was discharged. I couldn’t be discharged right away because I still had a low grade fever. They did different tests throughout the following day or two and then decided to discharge me (even though I still had a low grade temperature.) I was anxious to get to my son, so I didn’t think twice.

My son was in the NICU (neo intensive care unit) at Johns Hopkins Hospital, he had all these different tubes. It was very hard to see and difficult to hold him. My insecurities fueled my fear that the nurses thought less of me for not being able to be there with him. However, I pushed this aside and just wanted to hold Kaleb (my son). I say “You Are My Sunshine” to him for the first time along with a lot of tears. This would be the last time I would get to hold Kaleb for the next few months.

I had been very sick, I couldn’t move off the couch, and had excess fluids coming out of my c-section site. I called my sister who is a nurse and she called my gynecologist and made an emergency appointment for the next day. When we arrived and the doctor attempted to look at my site, it busted open and fluid went everywhere. It was something straight out of a horror movie. He instructed my sister to take me immediately to the hospital that performed the c-section. Come to find out, I had Necrotizing Fasciitis (the flesh-eating bacteria). Because of this I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I have a horrendous scar that leaves me with daily chronic pain (severe nerve damage and scar tissue). To say that all of my fears that I encompassed during my pregnancy came true, is an understatement. I talk more about this experience in another blog that I write in testimonyinlife.blogspot.com entitled Faith Warrior, check it out.

Until next time or the next… dream

K.E.Nowinsky

March Blog Challenge Day 13

March Blog Challenge

Day 13: do you have any regret?

March 13, 2013

What a great question. I think as human beings we naturally have regret. As I’ve matured and learned that it is through our experiences, or failures, that we learn. So, should we regret? Our life paths have led us to where we are today, who we are, and will lead us to whom we will become. Even through everything I have been through, the pain and sacrifice, it is a part of me. Should I regret that? Let me put it to you another way; if we have regret, then we regret what God is blessing us with. We might not see it as a blessing, but we don’t know what the regret may teach us for later. At least, that’s my opinion.

That being said, it is only natural to experience the emotions of regret. It is learning to acknowledge those feelings, how to work through them, and dealing with them, that can keep a person mentally healthy.  And believe me when I say, it may seem easy for some people, but everyone is different. If someone tells you to “just get over it”, they have not walked in your shoes, they do not know what you have endured or sacrificed; simply, they don’t know. If you are regretting something that is affecting your quality of life (leading you to negative thoughts or wanting to hurt yourself) please see a professional right away.

Top 5 What I Have Learned From My Regrets

5.) Love – don’t be afraid to love. Guard your heart; just don’t guard it so tight and so closed off that the wall you build becomes permanent. Learn from your past relationships, but don’t project them onto anyone else. God did say that the greatest is love. It is true too, when you put love out there, you’ll receive love back.

4.) Fear – growing up, I had this horrible distortion of myself that crippled my ability to enjoy years of my life. Social pressures and expectations were like a ball and chain clamped around my ankle – and it was all within my own psyche. If you look through magazines and feel upset that you don’t look like the people in them, then stop looking at that magazine. Don’t let people who call you negative names affect you – they have issues of their own. Have pity on them, how sad that they feel the need to hurt someone else, and pray for them.

3.) Medical – never hesitate to get a second opinion, ask questions, or say “no.” Remember, that there is a reason that it is called practicing medicine. If a medical professional is around you and they seem to exhibit signs of being sick themselves (sneezing or coughing) ask them for someone else to assist you (especially if you have any skin openings or wounds of any kind).  They may suggest that they could put a mask on, a medical gown, and sterile gloves. While this could prevent a possible infection, you have to decide your comfort level and possible risks. Don’t let them bully you, you’re their boss (don’t bully them either.)

2.) Beliefs – hold strong and stand firm. I’m not suggesting being closed-minded, at all. I think that it is more knowledgeable to listen to other opinions, research them, and then learn from it (maturing along the way.)  I think morals are coordinated with beliefs, so if you have a strong conviction make sure you have the follow-through. If you are against cheating, don’t cheat, and don’t tolerate cheaters.  Something that disgusts me (in my state) is that adultery is against the law, but not a punishable offense. So, basically the law is saying that the vow we make, and the covenant we enter with God, doesn't mean anything. Why get married then? I have heard some people get married for the monetary benefits and discounts. But, consider this: at minimum a divorce will cost approximately $10 grand! That’s more than some people even spend on their wedding. It shouldn't be about the money, it should be about eternal love.

1.) Parenting – love your children. When I was younger, I had made this joke that people needed to get a licenses for various things, so why not to be a parent. There is so much knowledge and truth to the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. But, you are the parent, act like it. It is important that the parent/child relationships are set. Everyone has their own way of doing things and everyone is unique (especially children). What may work for one child isn’t going to work for all children necessarily. So, just remember that there is NO perfect parent. No one is perfect, do what you can do and if you feel overwhelmed, seek help. It is o.k. to admit that you can’t do it all yourself. Even these “super mom’s” have their boiling points, bad days, and need time for themselves too.

There have been plenty of times in my life that I have looked back and wished that I would have done something differently. I am only human. Maybe this has some precedence over the concept of the time machine – because, I’m sure each of us would take a turn. But, like SciFi warns – if we alter our past, it will alter our present, and our future (and maybe not for the best).

Until next time or the next… dream

K.E.Nowinsky

Goingoffdreams.com